I have been working on this post in my head for along time. Long before I ever got the two double lines or the results of my beta test as I saw how others broke the news to IF bloggers. I wondered what would I write, what would I say, would I say anything at all, when would I say something, would I include the “trigger warning” tagline at top (turns out, yes)? Though I thought I’d never have to actually write this post. But now I’m writing the post I thought I’d never have to write. And I have put off writting this post because a lot of people that I care about aren’t at this stage and have some pretty open wounds. I know how it feels and I do agree the blogsphere is full of pregnancy right now. I got upset at a Facebook pregnancy announcement today because I know she didn’t have to “work” for her pregnancy. It is natural and a gut reflex. It is what it is and we are allowed to feel how we feel. Plus do what we need to do to protect oursevles. While I feel overjoyed, I also feel very protective of my friends I’ve made on here. I do not want anyone to hurt because of me, even though I know a few are already. Is it bad to want to lie to your friends to protect them? Isn’t that considered a little white lie?
So with that said, we are pregnant. Four years, three rounds of IVF, so much money I’m embarrassed to say, lots of physical and mental anguish, and an ocean full of tears but we have done it. I honestly never thought I’d be pregnant. Ever. I wish I could say I’m enjoying every minute of it because I’m at a place where I never thought I’d be. But I’m terrified of it all vanishing. I have pretty constant cramps that have me worried then I get worried when they let up. I had two spontaneous orgasms that resulted in horrible cramps, I lost my shit. We will not be having any sex any time soon. I’m constantly checking for blood and calculating my miscarriage rate. As of right now, we are really pregnant with about a 80% chance this will result in a take home baby. Every day that goes by, our odds improve but Google is not my friend right now. The odds are finally in our favor for once though it doesn’t mean it will go our way. Time will tell and I’m one impatient SOB. Trying to take it one day at a time and looking forward to our ultrasound on the 30th.
As for where this blog is going, I have no idea. I started it because I needed a place to vent my sadness and anger at the world. I don’t plan on blogging about my pregnancy or raising a kid (if we get to that step, still quite a few hurdles to get over), it really isn’t my thing. I probably will stick with dark and angry when needed with more on gardening and science. Though gardening is pretty much done for the season since it is currently snowing outside. I did get the small herb garden started this weekend.
We have entered uncharted territory, it is absoloutly terrying but absoutly wonderful.