Bout of Infertility Rage

I’m weepy, irritable, angry, frustrated, full of self-pity and rage right now. My husband asked last night what was wrong. I responded with “I hate my life.” He asked what he could do to help with this. Give me a baby.
.
I cannot pinpoint what has brought on this bout of infertility rage I’m currently working through. It could be the holiday cards rolling in full of happy families with their smiling children. Good for you, you had a third baby this year.
.
It could be exhaustion from working three different jobs, taking care of my husband post surgery along with our animals and attempting to keep the house together while he is out of commission. An IVF puppy and cat seemed like a good idea at the time. Okay, it was a good idea.
.
It could be finding out that not only did our last fertility doctor miss uterine polyps but also hypothyroidism. Now I’m mad at myself because I didn’t demand more testing. What? WTF because that is what I paid him a fuck ton of money for. To be my advocate and get me a baby.
.
It could be that we are trying to figure out how to pay for yet another few rounds of IVF. I raid my retirement and perhaps have nothing to show for it except bitterness. If this gamble doesn’t pay off, I don’t think we can afford any more fertility treatments or even adoption or retirement. Just a therapist to help me to come to terms with being barren, never having children, and never retiring.  That this is all that my life amounts to.
.
Fertiles that are reading this may be thinking I’m being over dramatic. My response today to you is “Shut your fucking piehole.” On FB, someone asked why people Infertiles can be so insensitive to Fertiles. Below are two of the several comments that struck a cord with me.
.
“Infertility is all consuming. It’s soul sucking. It’s something a person can’t even begin to comprehend unless they’ve been through it. It makes most of us jealous and spiteful people. … I couldn’t go to baby showers. I judged when people complained about their kids. It is so hard to move outside your own pain and grief…”
.
“… just emerged from a verrry dark time after an infertility diagnosis, seeing those [birth/pregnancy] announcements were painful. … I removed expectant and new mothers/fathers from my [FB] newsfeed because I could not handle the joy in the midst of my immense darkness and pain.”
.
I have the right to be angry. I have the right to be frustrated. I have the right to cry. I have the right to be irritable. I have the right not to be happy for you right now. This week, I’m struggling at working through my own pain and grief. Possibly next week too.
img_4342
Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Bout of Infertility Rage

  1. I truly can’t believe all that you handle on a daily basis. I know this doesn’t help and you just want to have a normal life and a baby but you are my hero. You are my hero for fighting this horrific battle along with how hard you work, caring for your husband and just pulling it together most days. I hope with everything this is just a shit setup leading to the happiest season of life you could only dream of. Xo

    Like

    1. Thank you – I imagine myself now rushing around work with a cape on. 🙂 I have found that reading others struggles via blogs makes it far less a struggle. A reminder if they got up today, got dressed, and functioned, that I can too. My husband and I like to think that we are getting this shit out of the way early in our marriage so it will be all sunshine and cake later in life. Unfortunately, I’m a realist and understand that isn’t really how life works. Shame though.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My husband and I always talk about how we are kind of over the whole ‘character building’ phase here. Enough already! But- I do think a marriage tested so much early on makes for a stronger one and makes the sweet times ahead that much more precious. Xo

        Like

        1. That sounds exactly like our conversations! We have character – now give us what we want! 🙂 Between infertility and his disorder, it has strained us but in the process made us stronger. A more united front. One positive thing that has come out of all of this. I’m sure after it is all said and done, we will look back more fondly at this time in our lives.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah good old infertility rage, I know it well. I should say something warm, glowing, and inspirational here. But the whole process sucks and you are well within your rights to feel what you feel, be it anger, sadness, rage, or pessimism. Here’s to hoping it gets better. Or at least bearable!

    Like

  3. Fuck yeah. I feel you. Today my neighbor’s five year old said hello to me and I lit up when we talked about her new haircut that she was so proud of. I then went into the house, thought about how my neighbors’ kids were all growing up, and how we still have nothing to show for it, and promptly leaned against the wall and wept. And then opened the mail to find a $500 bill for another year of embryo storage, and I’m just thinking, hell if I’ve never been successful, should I really have to pay for this?

    Anyone who says we’re the insensitive ones are dicks. The holidays are such a clusterfuck, I know what you mean. We started decorating the tree last week and as I put up a cheap 1970s ornament my great grandmother gave me as a child, I started crying, wondering if we’d ever have children in our home. The loneliness cannot compare to anything else, and yeah, the rage at doctor-who-shall-remain-nameless is so understandable. Fuckwad.

    There was another Infertility article in the NY Times on Sunday about a foreigner trying to get treatment in Iraq, and a comment about how in that country it would start the discussion of the husband getting a second wife. Ugh!

    Like

    1. Maybe it is the time of year. A reminder of where everyone else is in life and you are still standing on the starting line. Looking at those baby ornaments. Christmas cards with friend’s kids missing teeth and in 2nd grade. Thinking of what it was like to be a child at Christmas. And feeling oh so empty and lonely.

      I’ll have to look at that article. Yeah, I find it interesting the dynamic of blame game. So often it is assumed that it is a women issue when sperm make a good chunk of the issues. I know on the show Sister Wives that one of the wives was only able to have one kid while the others had multiple. I know that has to sting for her. It is funny, it is something I wouldn’t pick up before now.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Yeah, guilty pleasure. We don’t have cable but when I go visit a friend, we binge Sister Wives and a few other similar shows. I’m pretty sure that it was the first wife that had only one kid, so he went and got a few more.

          Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh yeah and being that I’m turning 43 in a month, well a lot of infertiles talk about their friends getting pregnant, I actually have a few friends who have kids old enough now where they’re close to becoming grandparents. Talk about putting me into crisis mode.

        Like

        1. I understand the crisis mode. I turn 35 next summer. According to the internet, that is when your ovaries shrivel up and fall off. I was hoping my kids would be close in age with my nieces but now it looks like they will be babysitting them UNLESS they are already gone away to college at that point.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I can absolutely relate to the anger and frustration you are feeling! Instead of getting a “Christmas miracle” on my third IVF, I got a big fat negative. There’s something very depressing about starting a new year after just having a failed cycle. Plus I turned 35 last month so now I’m also worried about my eggs starting to turn crap and old! I just wish this whole thing wasn’t so hard. We’ve decided to take a few months off while we figure out next steps. And we booked a holiday. Yes it’s more expense which we were concerned about but I figured we deserve it and something to look forward to. Maybe a holiday or trip for you and your husband would be nice, if that is an option. I really hope 2017 will be a good year for you both. x

    Like

    1. I read about your lack of Christmas miracle and my heart broke for you. That is exactly what I fear – another round and another huge, colossal, $15,000, millions of tears, lots of hormones, and tons of injection bruising kind of disappointment. And so I’m dragging my feet on our 3rd round.

      This year I turn 35. The age they warn you about. One day, my eggs are fine. The next, they will shrivel up and die. But I’m done with being peer pressured into another IVF round right now because fuck it. I need a sanity break and frankly because we are broke.

      A vacation would be nice but I quiet staycation may be what we end up having to settle for.

      I wish many miracles for 2017 and good luck with the new clinic.

      Like

      1. Thank you. A staycation is also really nice and fun! Definitely don’t let yourself get pressured and rush into another IVF. You need to feel totally ready before going down that path again. Each failed cycle just feels harder. I wish doctors could give us more realistic odds about whether it would work or not but I’ve come to realise that each couple is different and you really just can’t say for sure. I’m sorry IVF is so expensive where you are too, the financial burden makes things much harder, especially since there are so many other things you could be using the money for.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s