Where are we now?

Where are we now? The key is when you ask this question. Last week, I was ready to adopt an older sibling group. This week, leaning toward a fall IVF round. Three weeks ago, I was content being childless and heading to Costa Rica for a friend’s November wedding and Germany for Christmas. Yesterday, we almost got a puppy.

I don’t know where I’m going anymore or what I’m doing.  I’m also not sure what I want anymore. I wanted to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. That plan has gone down in fiery flames, and we do not know where to go from here anymore. It is not an easy decision. Imagine having your heart set on Ben&Jerry’s Chubby Hubby but the store is sold out. Now you have to pick between Cherry Garcia or Empower Mint. Both good options but not the one you had your heart set. Now magnify that feeling and decision by a million. I’m there staring through the fogged up glass trying to decide which $20,000 ice cream I’m going to pick and have to eat for the rest of my life.

For now, I’ve opted to walk away from the ice cream aisle and that decision.

The EcoFeminst actually wrote an excellent blog on where I’m at right now (okay, it is about where she is, but I’m right there with her). “There just comes a point where your EXISTING life has got to take priority, where your entire schedule, budget, plans, et cetera cannot wholly revolve around that struggle. You have to live your life and not keep putting everything on hold. You have to allow yourself to be happy and to do whatever it takes to get back to happiness – or at least, more moments that make you smile than you’ve had during the battles you’ve endured.”

I’d like to think I’ll stop mulling over what next but for now, I’m not going to say one way or another what our family making plans are because I don’t know. The bees are ordered and we are talking about buying an incubator to hatch our own ducklings this spring. I’m training for a May triathlon and June marathon. For now, I am smiling and am content with our current lack of direction.

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12 thoughts on “Where are we now?

  1. You know, I totally get this. We’ve also spontaneously considered getting a dog / bunnies recently! On another day I just feel sick of injections and putting my body through IVF and could totally imagine us continuing to live childfree and at some point being ok with that, finding other ways to be happy. Then another moment I’m totally on board with 4th IVF. I enjoyed EcoFeminist’s recent post too. I think everyone who has struggled with infertility for a long time gets sick of living in limbo and not really fully living our lives! Take some time out and hopefully the answer/direction will come to you in time x

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    1. We already ended up with an IVF puppy last Feb. And a transfer failure cat in May. And more ducks. Currently, we are at 3 dogs, one cat, five ducks and two geese. We don’t have a good check and balance going on in our relationship. One says “let’s get another dog” and the other one is like “hell yes!” instead of “well, it isn’t really a good time right now and we should instead be doing X, Y, and Z”. We are both like PUPPY! So, I totally support you getting a dog or bunnies. 🙂

      I’m also glad that I’m not alone in not knowing what our next move should be. It depends all on how the wind is blowing. I guess we are all figuring it out as we go.

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  2. God I could have written this. Some days I think eh, let’s try to adopt an embryo. Others I’m like hey, 5 rounds of IVF can’t possibly be that big of a deal right? BRING IT ON. Then others, I’m trying to convince my husband to move to a farm so I can rescue dogs for the rest of my life. Eh, so maybe I waffle a bit in my decision process too. We’re only human right?

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  3. This post….it resonates so deeply with me. We are in the same boat (except we already have 3 dogs and Mr. Big has put his foot down heavily on a fourth). Sometimes I am ready to put every cent we have into IVF, and then the next I want to adopt. Then, sometimes, I am OK with being childless (or rather, I am OK with the notion that despite my best intentions becoming a mother is not a guarantee for me and I refuse to not be OK and suffer for the rest of my life).

    I agree that focusing on the things you CAN control are so healthy, and perhaps something we should all try. For us, we are determined to go to Vegas this spring, run our first 10K in June and buy a new house this year. Totally do-able, totally within my control.

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    1. We are also at 3 dogs. 🙂 Plus a cat. Plus two geese and five ducks. I’m the one that had to put my foot down on no more inside pets. And no goat. I caught my husband drawing a goat barn the other day. oie*

      I feel a lot of us are going through the same things right now. That time of year, perhaps?

      I’m rooting for you on the 10K! I’ve been a runner my whole life and it has really helped me regulate stress. The downside of IVF is when I’m not able to run. I run for my sanity. I hope you get hooked. It takes a bit but stick with it.

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      1. Ahh! Someone else who understands having a spouse who does something you’re insanely proud of yet wish he’d quit so you can stop prematurely aging from all the worrying (but not really because he loves it and it’s a great career)….amiright??

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