Where are we now? The key is when you ask this question. Last week, I was ready to adopt an older sibling group. This week, leaning toward a fall IVF round. Three weeks ago, I was content being childless and heading to Costa Rica for a friend’s November wedding and Germany for Christmas. Yesterday, we almost got a puppy.
I don’t know where I’m going anymore or what I’m doing. I’m also not sure what I want anymore. I wanted to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. That plan has gone down in fiery flames, and we do not know where to go from here anymore. It is not an easy decision. Imagine having your heart set on Ben&Jerry’s Chubby Hubby but the store is sold out. Now you have to pick between Cherry Garcia or Empower Mint. Both good options but not the one you had your heart set. Now magnify that feeling and decision by a million. I’m there staring through the fogged up glass trying to decide which $20,000 ice cream I’m going to pick and have to eat for the rest of my life.
For now, I’ve opted to walk away from the ice cream aisle and that decision.
The EcoFeminst actually wrote an excellent blog on where I’m at right now (okay, it is about where she is, but I’m right there with her). “There just comes a point where your EXISTING life has got to take priority, where your entire schedule, budget, plans, et cetera cannot wholly revolve around that struggle. You have to live your life and not keep putting everything on hold. You have to allow yourself to be happy and to do whatever it takes to get back to happiness – or at least, more moments that make you smile than you’ve had during the battles you’ve endured.”
I’d like to think I’ll stop mulling over what next but for now, I’m not going to say one way or another what our family making plans are because I don’t know. The bees are ordered and we are talking about buying an incubator to hatch our own ducklings this spring. I’m training for a May triathlon and June marathon. For now, I am smiling and am content with our current lack of direction.