A Reminder of My Grief

Yesterday, a beautiful baby girl was born to a good friend of my husband. I “hearted” the Facebook post and we will stuff a baby toy in a box, sign a note exclaiming how thrilled we are for them. And I am. At least that is what I say, but in truth, this event has magnified my own pain. It has reminded me that I’m not as healed as I thought I was.

The best way I can explain it is with an analogy to a broken leg. The pain you feel when you break it is palatable. It is a potent mixture of pain and shock. After awhile with good drugs and a cast, the pain subsides. The cast starts to itch, an annoyance and reminder but no sharp pain like when you broke it. The cast finally comes off, and you can use your leg. It is a sense of relief; you can breathe, your leg can breathe. You are feeling good, whole and back to yourself. You feel healed though you still treat the leg gingerly. Something causes you lunge, run, or jump without thinking and there is that pain again. Almost as sharp as when you broke, and it lingers, dull and persistent. A reminder that you are not as fully healed as you thought you were. A reminder that this kind of wound takes time. It makes you question if you will ever be healed. If every time a friend gives birth, everytime you hold or see an infant that is not your own, as you watch your friend’s babies become children then young adults, that you’ll feel that pain.

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16 thoughts on “A Reminder of My Grief

  1. Sorry for this pain. I have found the pain eases over time but I still feel a twinge even with a celebrity pregnancy announcement. The flip side is I think I feel more gratitude and joy in other moments. It seems to be at the minimum a wash and often an eventual blessing. Xo

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  2. Completely true. For me there is also an ugly undercurrent of jealousy, even for those I know have struggled. I’ve battled with that but have gradually come to accept it’s part of the whole confusing jumble of emotions. At the same time I can feel happy for them, but as you say, there is still grief.

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  3. Oh, I understand! My very close friend had shared with me (face to face) that she was pregnant and I had to prevent my self from crying. I was so happy for her, but at the same time it brought back all the pain of never achieving that state, I was jealous and angry (at me, not her). It can be so hard.

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    1. I feel bad for my friends – I feel that sometimes I squash their joy and that they don’t know how to act around me. All new unexplored emotional territory that I was not prepared for.

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