What was I thinking?

I ask that a lot. Such as tonight as I sit in my office at work at 7 p.m. on a Saturday night turning in my online homework since our zippy Huges Net satellite internet at home is not fast enough to deal with online courses. What was I thinking when I thought taking two online accounting classes was a brilliant idea? I have a B.S. and an M.S. I do not need these classes. I’m already over-committed in life. What was I thinking?

As I pause homework for some mind-mush, I turn to Facebook. What was I thinking? Right off the bat, another fucking baby announcement. Good for you. Since you got married two months ago, it seems that it took you a month to get knocked up. The day before, a birth announcement from someone with four kids already. At the rate I’m unfollowing people, I’ll have no one left in my Facebook feed in a few months. I need to cut that cord and walk away from Facebook. All it is a reminder of what comes so easy for everyone else but us.

What was I thinking when I was overly polite last night when someone was telling me how I should build my family? I need to become better at simply saying, “I don’t want to discuss this with you. Ever.”

I’d think I would have learned by now. Classes are only fun for the first two weeks then I always regret taking them. Facebook is and always will be for me the place where I can view everyone’s perfect life and wonder why the fuck did I get dealt this hand. And unless I tell people I don’t want their opinions or advice on how to build my family, they will continue to give it. I wonder if I’ll ever learn or I’ll continue walking through life going doh.

My money is on perpetual doh.



13 thoughts on “Doh.

    1. Never thought FB was bad until all this infertility nonsense. Learning is always good until you actually need to do the work when you’d rather be out playing. Spring is starting and I’m out of the school mode. Only a few more weeks and done until my next great idea to take classes.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. So glad I’m not on Facebook! So I don’t see announcements although I guess it would be hard to cuz I don’t know a lot of 40-somethings who are trying to get pregnant. But hey, today I internally celebrated when I saw that the pregnant couple across the street is selling their house…one baby I’ll never have to see…Mature, eh? πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Same here! I haven’t been on FB in three and half years because of it. Three couples on my floor in my apartment have gotten pregnant and moved away during the year and half we have lived here. I was celebrating that I didn’t have to see their bellies or babies and compare myself to them. I know, very mature. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re so not alone! I deactivated my FB almost 2 years ago. It’s a huge trigger and only made me feel bad about myself. Best decision ever to walk away from all social media.

    And, yeah: I always think of brilliant, witty things to say when someone pries into the very personal subject of “family bulding” like way after the conversation’s over. Never during though(doh). I wonder if it’d be weird to study flash cards of clever remarks before going out in public just to be prepared? Seriously.

    Sorry you had a tough day. 😦


  3. Alaska, could you cutting the Facebook cord and walk away for a season? My Facebook absence has been three and a half years. I did it so I wouldn’t be so depressed seeing other people’s fertility shoved at my face. I’ve learned that the FB pregnancy announcements have really amped up the barf factor since my departure, which I’m glad I’m not there to witness. Facebook is fake and is not real life. People only put stuff on there they want people to see, therefore creating the image that their life is perfect.

    It took me a good 3.5 years until I could say “I don’t wish to discuss this with you.” There are two weddings this summer and I don’t want to go because I don’t want to see pregnant bellies. And while people are celebrating, I’m not in the mood for celebration. I feel you about the money as well. I applaud you for taking two accounting classes even though you’re not too enthusiastic about the classes at the moment.


    1. I did get off Facebook for about 6 months after our last IVF failure. I have some friend groups that I like to follow so slowly got back on though think I need to get back off. I thought I could handle it but nope.

      It took me awhile to open up about all of it. Most people are respectful but others always have to attempt to solve it for us. I very much understand not wanting to go to events – seeing all those happy people when you really don’t feel in a celebratory mood.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry, FB really sucks sometimes. Ever since we started suffering from unexplained reoccurring miscarriages I have found it harder and harder to deal with FB. I have followed other friends with the same due date as me go through healthy pregnancy and give birth while I end up in the ER with emergency surgery. I have had a miscarriage on almost all continents. It sucks. Every time I get pregnant I live the next month in fear about when & how it will end this time, and then it does. I feel so broken sometimes.


    1. Yeah, Jana Banana’s little boy was born when my kid would have been born if our first round of IVF worked. It stung and still does. I love my friends and I want them to be happy, but I can’t handle looking at their happiness right now.

      I have another friend that is in the same boat as you. Always afraid when she’d loose this baby. I hope that when it does stick, you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy and are able to shake some of the fear.

      I sent you an iMessage if you want to talk more about all of this. Understand if you really don’t want to. I’m always here if you need someone to listen, have questions, or need a distraction.

      When are you coming back to AK for a visit?? If anything, I’ll be in Germany in Nov./Dec. Maybe we can meet up since Europe is relatively small!


  5. new to your blog here – I’m learning that 1) facebook and other “my life is perfect” social media is a joke and 2) their life is only perfect by the posts they write and the pictures they post. It can be picture perfect from the outside but behind closed doors…
    I’ve also often questioned on how to respond to such comments/questions regarding the “building a family” statement. It’s a fine line as how much do you really want to tell them without it turning into “doh”…


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