We find ourselves here, again.

I’ve been putting this update off for awhile now. I mostly don’t want to say we are doing it again to simply say a few weeks later that it all went to shit again.

here again

I’ve jumped through most of the hoops our new clinic requires. We had to take online educational modules on how IVF works and how to inject myself with mind-altering hormones. As a biologist on round 3 here, I understand the process a bit too well and have read all the literature in my spare time. I know I could have tested out of the module, but we endured. Isn’t that what we infertiles do?

I emailed the clinic today to make sure we have checked all the boxes on their IVF checklist, but I think we are ready to roll. It is becoming a bit too real that we are subjecting ourselves to this torture, again.

Money

The only things we have left are to give them a crap ton of money, buy airline tickets, and start menstruating. Let the fun begin. It has been six months since I had my vagina looked at by someone other than my husband. It has been glorious. I keep telling myself, this is the last peep show for awhile and then moving on. Unless I’ll be pushing a baby out of it next year but I’m guessing if that is the case, I won’t give a shit. One step at a time though.

I’m not sure if it is good to be a veteran, to know what to ask and what to expect. I think back to the naïve us when we first started. It was going to work the first time. Wham. Bam. Thank you, IVF doctor. I’d like to think we have a better handle on all of this – the nuts and bolts plus the emotional shitstorm. I remember honestly thinking going through my first round that this isn’t so bad. It then proceeded to go from doable to I’m going to burst (OHSS) and all the embryos are dying. It turns out, whether you think hormones affect you or not, the truth is they do. And IVF is that bad.

Violet
Thank goodness OHSS doesn’t turn you blue too!

I’d like to say I’m looking forward to our final round of IVF, but I’m not. I am looking forward to being able to move forward with my life without regrets. One more go before taking biological children off the table. We are not giving up but choosing to live again.

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10 thoughts on “We find ourselves here, again.

    1. Exactly – I’m tired of scheduling my life around this but would regret not to give it one last whirl. And thanks for the good luck – we need all that we can get!

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  1. I love your last line about how it wouldn’t be giving up but choosing to live again! I’m currently in the two week wait stage of our final IVF right now. It’s a strange feeling going through the motions knowing we are done with it after this. I really hope you will have success this time! Wishing you all the best for the weeks ahead!

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    1. So, I follow your blog and I’ve tried to comment but I must be blogspot retarded because it never shows up. I think it goes as unknown even though I enter my information but it appears that it doesn’t even show up. In short – I’m following you and I’m wishing you the best in this TWW no matter the outcome. And I loved your socks!!!

      And thank you for the warm wishes!

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      1. aw thanks so much! Yeah a few people have mentioned problems leaving comments on my blog. I think it might be a problem for wordpress users as I’m on blogger. I tried looking it up but still couldn’t find a good fix unfortunately. Anyway, thanks again for following along 🙂

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  2. Your attitude is inspiring. Thank you. Wishing you all the strength, support and coffee you need. Best wishes from South Africa.

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