Mom, I’m okay. Really.

I have been debating sharing my blog with my mother and have been thinking why I haven’t to date. She knows I have a blog but hasn’t pressed the matter. That is how my mother works, she lets me share when I’m ready. She doesn’t pry but is always there to listen when I get there. I always eventually get there.

My mother and I talk about infertility, IVF, adoption, and my husband’s disorder. We talk a lot about pretty much anything and everything. She lives next door, and we see each other often. Needless to say, I have been blessed with an amazing mother, and we are extremely close. She knows that infertility is hard on me, but I do not know if she really understands how hard. I want to shield my mother from this pain. I don’t want my mother to see me suffer, especially when there is little she can do to make it better.

Infertility is a world my mother, fortunately, didn’t journey through. My mother stopped birth control and three months later was pregnant with me. My brother was planned for a later date, instead, when I was 6 months old and still breastfeeding, she got pregnant with him. She has never dealt with the grief and pain of infertility until now as she watches me navigate it.

 

 

Both my family and my inlaws have been overly supportive. Something I’m thankful for since I know many folks going through infertility have family members that are aloof and utterly callous on the matter. I know that both sides want grandchildren but don’t press it, understanding we have little control over all of this. I am aware that this infertility is robbing my parents the chance at being grandparents since my brother is childless by choice. However, my parents were awarded the opportunity to parent two wonderful children (yes, we are wonderful). Shane and I, on the other hand, have lost both being parents and grandparents in one fell swoop.

My blog is my place to express all aspects of this journey, most of it extremely painful. I worry by sharing it with my mother, I’ll start to sugarcoat it to make her feel better. To shield her from this world she has only got a small glimpse of.

At the same time, I want to share it all with her. And to know that I am okay and I’ll be okay, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Mom, I’m okay. Really.

  1. People in my circle here know I have a blog but I don’t ask them to read it. It’s up to them to find it or ask me for the address so they can read it. My blog was anonymous for the first 4 years over on Blogger but when I moved it over to WordPress I stopped that, edited out any old posts that were toooooo personal, and I linked it off my company page as well (gasp!). Since my mother would never have any interest in my goings-on because she’s so fucking narcissistic, all I can say is as long as you stay unapologetically yourself in your posts, do what feels right. I only wish my mother cared about sharing stuff with me and learning about my situation – she never had any interest in my infertility as you know. No matter what, you can talk to her about it even if you don’t share your blog with her…you’re very fortunate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, not brave enough to share my blog with co-workers. I thank my lucky stars that I got the mom I did. She called or texted me daily to check-in. I fear your mom will care a little too late in her life. Regret is a bitch.

      Like

  2. I had the exact concerns as you with sharing my blog with my Mom. I know her heart hurts so badly for me and didn’t want to add to her pain. I can absolutely see both sides of sharing it. So glad your Mom is so supportive.

    Like

  3. It’s lovely that you have such a great relationship with your mum. I can understand the dilemma about wanting to let her in more but also being mindful of hurting her. I am also lucky that my mum is supportive and caring and I am very grateful for that, but my mum was very fertile (I’m one of 6) and she has had the grace to admit that she can’t always completely understand what I am going through. Even though sharing my blog might help her understand more, I think I’d write differently if I knew she was reading it. It’s a very personal choice, but I agree that if you do share you should continue to write from your heart.

    Like

  4. This is exactly my relationship with my mum. I actually have shared my blog with her after our first failure since I articulated it better there. Honestly, I don’t think she’s read it since then, I know that she cried buckets after reading it and I don’t know if she’s been able to read about 3 more failures since then. I’ll have to ask. You are right though, I have tried to sugar coat a few posts and also I’ve not mentioned sex as much in my posts so in that respect maybe a good idea to hold off for a while.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s