Uncharted Territory

*trigger warning*

I have been working on this post in my head for along time. Long before I ever got the two double lines or the results of my beta test as I saw how others broke the news to IF bloggers. I wondered what would I write, what would I say, would I say anything at all, when would I say something, would I include the “trigger warning” tagline at top (turns out, yes)? Though I thought I’d never have to actually write this post. But now I’m writing the post I thought I’d never have to write. And I have put off writting this post because a lot of people that I care about aren’t at this stage and have some pretty open wounds. I know how it feels and I do agree the blogsphere is full of pregnancy right now. I got upset at a Facebook pregnancy announcement today because I know she didn’t have to “work” for her pregnancy. It is natural and a gut reflex. It is what it is and we are allowed to feel how we feel. Plus do what we need to do to protect oursevles. While I feel overjoyed, I also feel very protective of my friends I’ve made on here. I do not want anyone to hurt because of me, even though I know a few are already. Is it bad to want to lie to your friends to protect them? Isn’t that considered a little white lie?

So with that said, we are pregnant. Four years, three rounds of IVF, so much money I’m embarrassed to say, lots of physical and mental anguish, and an ocean full of tears but we have done it. I honestly never thought I’d be pregnant. Ever. I wish I could say I’m enjoying every minute of it because I’m at a place where I never thought I’d be. But I’m terrified of it all vanishing. I have pretty constant cramps that have me worried then I get worried when they let up. I had two spontaneous orgasms that resulted in horrible cramps, I lost my shit. We will not be having any sex any time soon. I’m constantly checking for blood and calculating my miscarriage rate. As of right now, we are really pregnant with about a 80% chance this will result in a take home baby. Every day that goes by, our odds improve but Google is not my friend right now. The odds are finally in our favor for once though it doesn’t mean it will go our way. Time will tell and I’m one impatient SOB. Trying to take it one day at a time and looking forward to our ultrasound on the 30th.

As for where this blog is going, I have no idea. I started it because I needed a place to vent my sadness and anger at the world. I don’t plan on blogging about my pregnancy or raising a kid (if we get to that step, still quite a few hurdles to get over), it really isn’t my thing. I probably will stick with dark and angry when needed with more on gardening and science. Though gardening is pretty much done for the season since it is currently snowing outside. I did get the small herb garden started this weekend.

We have entered uncharted territory, it is absoloutly terrying but absoutly wonderful.


Waiting. Always waiting.

I’m sitting in my car in the rain with moist chalk in my undies, waiting for the furncance cleaner to show at our rental so I can go home and change my underwear for the 3rd time today before hitting the road. It is that kind of Friday as I chicken peck out this post on my iPhone (hence the horrible spelling and grammar).

Busy few days coming up – heading to the family cabin outside of Anchorage this afternoon. I’d like to say we will be relaxing but nope. I have a fundraising workshop to attend as part of my board duties on a nonprofit on Saturday. Husband plans to hang out at the cabin and do schoolwork. Then home on Sunday to frantically prepare for teaching on Monday morning before my flight on Monday afternoon. 

That brings me to the moist chalk/cement in my undies. We are on for a natural transfer on Tuesday. It has snuck up on me and I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m not sure why more folks don’t opt for a natural transfer instead of the hormone scheduled one. Granted, scheduling is easier logistically though a natural transfer involves no progestrone in oil shots. Instead, I have vaginal inserts of progesterone that keeps on giving all day. It is messy as fuck but less painful. My other transfers were not natural since it wasn’t offered at our previous clinic.

I feel the hope building in me that this will work. If I had no hope, I wouldn’t be doing all of this. So here we are, a few days away from our first transfer of our 3rd IVF cycle and trying to keep my emotions in check. My husband cannot come to Seattle with me [we are broke asss poor (fertility treatments will do that to you] and someone needs to hold down the fort and go to work). I won’t be alone though. One of my best friend lives in Seattle so I’ll have two days to bum around with her. Soak in some much needed friend time and not at work time.

And now I wait for the damn furnace guy in uncomfortably moist panties. 🙄

Man, I take some strange photos.

I haven’t felt much like blogging. Too many other pressing tasks at hand as the summer quickly fades and Fall is here in full force. We are in full on Fall panic mode. Project after project yet nothing feels accomplished. Fall panic will last for another week, then winter will be here. Bwhahaha. Okay, I got at least two weeks before winter. Maybe. I always look forward to the EcoFeminsts week in picture blog so I figured I’d go look at what I’ve been snapping pictures of. My photos are pretty lame but they sure are diverse! Plus this makes for an easy check-in blog.

To start off, green tomatoes. The tomatoes are never going to get ripe when it is this cold outside (and it ain’t getting warmer till May) and I can only fit so many plants in the garage so I made green tomato pickles.


This along with other canning endeavors has filled up the pantry. We had to add more shelves and reinforce them. Still in the progress of cleaning/organizing it but feeling pretty stoked about how much we have canned. Most we’ve put up for winter! We will be eating well at -40F!


To thank the bees for their honey, we’ve been feeding them sugar water so they have something for this winter. They require a lot of sugar water resulting in a very sticky kitchen. Tired of standing over the stove staring at the microwave, the clever me moved my TV show into the microwave. Genius. This has improved sugar water and bee candy making though it still sucks.

The dogs bored of sugar water making, canning, and organizing the pantry finally talked me into a car ride. We went to visit Shane at work, made their little doggie day. An easy way to make them happy. Plus I enjoy it too.


To relax, I go to work. I royally screwed up this reaction (diluted it too much) but it still worked which made my day. Probably will do better when I do it correctly. The bright bands are ancient DNA from walrus. I took this on my iPhone because the normal camera was not working and my patience was waning.


One glorious day, someone thought we were missing out on the nice fall colors so we were sent outside for a half an hour break. It was glorious. We need more fire alarms.


Then while getting supplies for a class I’m teaching, I saw this pillow. Oh so tempted to get it for my work couch.



Now to go put my face in a feed bag.


Stockpiling for Winter

The leaves are turning yellow already. The birds are making their pit stop in Fairbanks as they head south. I’ve had my first cold of the fall. Yes, it is Fall in the Interior of Alaska, and I’m freaking out. We are not ready! Though, we never are ready.

We’ve been busy preparing for winter by putting up food. Stocking up on summer yummies so we can enjoy it when the snow blankets the ground. We are pickle kind of people. In the past few weeks, I’ve made pickled beets, pickled cauliflower, and pickled zucchini. This weekend, pickled carrots, pickled green tomatoes, and more pickled beets. Also, freezing and dehydrating kale for use late this winter.


I’ve also been out picking this blogs namesake, Alaskan blueberries. Smaller and tarter than the cultivated varieties that most are used to. The picking was slim this year but happy to have some in the freezer. Even have some blueberry-basil vinegar brewing right now.


A few weeks ago, we raided our hives. A bit earlier than normal but we wanted to give the bees time to stock up on honey for winter. We want to attempt to overwinter them. We shall see how it goes since even 400 miles south of us (where we plan on overwintering them), winter is still long and cold. We got 3.5 gallons of honey which may seem like a lot but still doesn’t feel like enough when we plan to use it in place of sugar and would like to give some as gifts. I think we may have to get a 3rd hive next year.


A hawk was loitering by the coop this morning so no one will be free-ranging today or tomorrow. It appears that everyone out here wants to eat our birds which reminded us that we need to get them processed before someone else eats them. The ducklings are now rowdy teenagers, the drakes have got to go. The roosters are attempting to cock-a-doodle-doo. That is the next big to-do in our preparation for winter. It is a bummer because I have been enjoying our fresh veggies out of the garden. Dinners have been splendid lately.


Good things only happen to some people. They don’t happen for people like us.

On Thursday, we received notice that my husband’s endocrinologist was leaving his practice at the end of September. Due to the rarity of my husband’s disorder, finding a replacement endo is going to be a huge challenge. Add to the challenge, we live in Alaska.

Our insurance company has yet again switched their prescription plan, so we have been spending several hours getting everything sorted out. On Friday, yet another script was denied, and we paid out of pocket, left to argue more with the insurance company more this upcoming week.

We have been gearing up for a natural embryo transfer for the end of this month. Friday before we left for the cabin, the transfer was canceled for this cycle. I know it is for the best; you want everything to be perfect so better chance of it being successful, but it is still disappointing (that is putting it mildly).

I honestly feel at this point that this is how our life is going to be. Good things happening to others, but we will never catch our break. No matter how hard we try. The title of this blog comes from a text I sent my husband when we was talking about “our children”. I felt bad being the downer when he was trying to be positive. I’m scraping the bottom of the hope barrel right now.

This morning, I found the journal I started on 07 August 2013 when we first began to try for a child. I think of all the heartache and struggle we’ve endured since then. My marriage is stronger than ever, a rare disorder and infertility will test your strength as a couple. Right before I found out my transfer was canceled, I had lunch with co-workers. One had a baby in May, and she was there with her baby. An adorable and happy baby. It made my heart hurt, while I’m happy for her, as much as I try, they simply remind me of what I cannot have. I have another friend coming into town this week. She is very happy and very pregnant. I’m very depressed and very not pregnant. I simply do not want to be around that. I want to be left alone, to cry my tears in peace in my garden with my animals.

My mother-in-law has mentioned how aloof I’ve become the past few years. Reading that journal to my baby started in 2013, I realize how much more jaded, cynical, and depressed I’ve become the past four years. I look at our wedding photos, the happy and hopeful couple that had no clue what the first few years of marriage were going to hold for them.

We appear to be a very average couple. Very few people have any idea how often I cry, how financially stressed we are, or how tired we are from arguing with the heath insurance companies. It is hard for me to be happy for others when I’m working through my never-ending grief. It is hard for me to want to go out with friends because I simply don’t want to hear about how wonderful their life is. I don’t want people to say things they think are comforting, but they aren’t, they make me angry and more likely never to go out of the house again.

It reminds me how naïve people are when it comes to infertility. They will never know how bad it truly hurts. This has been my life for longer than I care to admit. I’ve heard all the advice, received numerous pep talks, and have over thought it all. When I need or want to talk about it, I will. I’ll blog about it or I’ll talk to a friend of choosing. If I don’t bring it up in conversation with you, I don’t want to talk to you about it. Leaving my five-acre haven, I’m reminded constantly of what I cannot and do not have. So I hide away, separate myself from the rest of the world and watch from a distance as other live the life I wish I could have. Life looks a lot different on this side of the fence.

Perfect family

Fire, Food, and Forage

Shane is out on his first forest fire assignment since his diagnosis. This is all thanks to a new pharmacy insurance plan that covers the brand of medication we want and not just the brand the insurance company is in bed with. I’m alone manning the rental, the “homestead, ” and working full time but I’m okay with that because, for the first time in three years, Shane is in the middle of reclaiming his life. I honestly thought he’d never go on another wildland fire again as we thought of how the hell we could operate a mini-fridge in the wilderness. The new meds do not have to be refrigerated, he feels great, and out into the wilds of Alaska he went.

Second day of bachelorhood, I had zucchini bread and coffee for brunch after dealing with slight flooding in one of my labs, cheez-its for lunch while cleaning the rental, more zucchini bread for an 8 pm dinner after the critters were fed and watered. At 8:40 pm, I realized I needed more substance, but we haven’t been grocery shopping in awhile (thinking about 2 weeks as of today). I ended up with an open-faced hummus, pickled radish, and feta cheese sandwich with a glass wine and freshly made kale chips. Not too shappy.



I’ve also been reading the book Animal, Vegatable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver which has encouraged me to continue to be more mindful about my food.

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Now how does all of this relate? While Shane is gone on this fire assignment, I have decided not to grocery shop. This includes, not eating out when I’m sick of the lunch I packed myself (was already today hence the cheez-its). I’m going to forage in my own house and garden. Clean out the fridge and cupboards. Use what we already have – we have a lot of food tucked away plus a full wine cooler. I’m set for the week!

Wanted a housekeeper for two adorable adults

As a child, I use to stand in the middle of my bedroom, eyeing the mess I was to clean, and break out in song. Why wasn’t my stuff flying about and putting themselves away? I practiced this along with flying, I never succeeded in either.

“In every job that must be done
There is an element of fun
You find the fun and snap!
The job’s a game”

I have never felt that way about cleaning. Ever. There is not enough sugar in this world to make cleaning go down more smoothly. I hate cleaning though I enjoy the final product.

The other night after a day judging 4-H fair projects, spending time with a friend that needed some friend time, stuffing food into my face, and taking care of animals it was already 9 pm. I had a house guest coming at midnight.  We had got home from camping two days before but went right to work the day after camping. Shane was still at work (48 hr. shift). The house was a wreck and I was tired but I felt obligated to clean. I’m sure the houseguest appreciated the clean sheets and toilet. I tidied the kitchen/living room enough so I wouldn’t be too embarrassed. During all of this, I noticed that we needed to dust the TV area, that the walls I’ve been meaning to wash have yet to be washed (the dogs like to rub their faces on my walls), the couch vacuumed, and the kitchen cabinets wiped down.

While as an adult, I now know I cannot sing my way to a clean house or eat sugar, I’m opting for a better way to make this task go down. I’ve talked about adjusting goals to make them attainable in an earlier post. A goal that I have control over. My new life goal is not for me to become a better housekeeper, that is simply not going to happen. I do not have the time or energy to spend cleaning my house. I’d rather spend my time at work, volunteering, running, sleeping, or getting a root canal (I’ve had one before, and I’ll take it again over cleaning). My new life goal is to budget better so we can afford to hire a housecleaner. Someone to come in once a week to dust, mop, clean the showers, wipe down the walls, wipe down light fixtures, wash windows, wipe down kitchen cabinets, etc.

“Wanted a housekeeper for two adorable adults
If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts!
Play games, all sort
You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets”

I can maintain a somewhat surface clean but I fall so behind on the deep cleaning and it shows when I slow down enough to notice. How the hell people maintain a clean house is beyond me. I figure if we just had a little bit more help doing the household cleaning, it would lighten the load and make it easier to keep the house in shape.